Things Dogs Must Try To Remember... 

* I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
* The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
* I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
* I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
* I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
* I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
* I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
* I will not throw up in the car.
* I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
* I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
* "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
* I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
* The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
* I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
* I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
* I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
* When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
* We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
* I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
* The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
* My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
* I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How To Know Whether or Not You Are Ready to Have Children

Mess Test:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.  Now rub your hands in the
wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons.

Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may
substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all
over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or
kitchen.  Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

Grocery Store Test:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as
you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for
anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making
sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with  water. Suspend from
the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the  jug swinging. Try to insert
spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth
of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of
the jug on the floor.

Night Test:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of
sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum  with
the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00  PM.
Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up
about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for  5:00
AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.  Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women):

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. 

Physical Test (Men): 

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the
head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to  the
store.  Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
  
Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them 
on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet
training, and 
child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them 
that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this
experience.  It will be the last time you will have all the answers. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DEEP THOUGHTS
by Jack Handy
 
Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when
you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.
 
 
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go,
because man, they're gone.
 
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
 
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell
him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another
cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
 
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the
mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
 
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography and the dancers hit each other.
 
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word
itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words
"mank" and  "ind."  What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so
is mankind.
 
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I
guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there,
rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
 
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer,
I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
 
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red
again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a
bunch of honking and yelling?  Sometimes it seemed that way.
 
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.
And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never
expect it.
 
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call
the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and
started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
 
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
 
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, 
looking through your stuff.
 
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a
peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and
then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
 
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me 
a lot of money."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My
wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only
two minutes apart!"  "Is this her first child?" the
doctor queries. "No, you fool!" the man shouts,
"This is her husband!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FEELS LIKE HEAVEN

This 85 year-old couple, having been married
almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They
had been in good health the last ten years
mainly due to her interest in health food, and
exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter
took them to their mansion which was decked
out with beautiful kitchen and master bath
suite and Jacuzzi.

As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked
Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's
free," Peter replied. "This is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the
championship golf course in the backyard. They
would have golfing privileges every day, and
each week the course changed to a new one
representing the great golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked, "what are the greens fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is Heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the
lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the
world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet?" This is heaven, it's
FREE!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol
tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part... you can
eat as much as you like of whatever you like and
you never get fat and you never get sick. This is
heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger,
throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and
shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down,
asking him what was wrong. The old man
looked at his wife and said, "This is all your
fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins,
I could have been here ten years ago!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gone to Heaven

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets
the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat "You lived a good life and if
there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let
me know".

The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived
with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the 
cat and says "Say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

Several days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and
go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to greet them with the same
offer. The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to
run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; 
we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we 
don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says "Say no more" and fits each
mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him
snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him "How are
things since you are here?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies "It is 
wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals
on Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Children's Prayers

One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" 
during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best 
to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing 
the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up 
and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before 
reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly 
to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

===  
A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was
reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said, "And
lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail.  AMEN."
 
===
A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold". 
At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, "How come you 
called God, "Harold"? The little boy looked up and said, "That's 
what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, 
who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name."
 
===
And this particular four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our 
trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
 
===
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from 
one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into 
silence, and after church, asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary 
answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle... And He just then did!"
 
===
One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer. "Now I lay me down to 
rest,and hope to pass tomorrow's test, if I should die before I wake, that's 
one less test I have to take."
 
===
 
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your
prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?" The 
little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
 
===
 
Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he 
emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a 
prayer.
"Fine," said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not 
misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," 
said Johnny." "I asked Him to help you put up with me."
 
===
 
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better 
boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the
thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first
thing he said to them was: "Don't eat the forbidden fruit."

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got Forbidden
Fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes WAY!"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't
stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw his "kids"
having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did Not!" "DID so!" "DID NOT!!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has
never changed. But there is a reassurance in this story. If you have persistently
and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be
too hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you
think it should be a piece of cake for you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the
living room while his father was trying to read
in the den.  The family dog was lying in the den,
and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's
violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as
long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed
his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise,
"for pity's sake, can't you play something the
dog doesn't know?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is Love
 
Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet
his faithful wife stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to,
he motioned for her to come nearer.
 
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all
through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When
my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing,
you were still by my side. You know what?"
 
"What dear?" she asked gently.

"I think you're bad luck."

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


DOG AND CAT ORIGINS
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
 
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day.  Now I do not see you anymore.  I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
 
And God said, "No problem!  I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.  Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will
accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
 
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.  And it was a good animal.  And God was pleased.  And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.  
 
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
 
And God said, "No problem!  Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, "and you will call him DOG."
 
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.  And Adam was comforted.  And God was pleased.  And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
 
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride.  He struts and preens like peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration.  Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
 
And God said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is.  The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
 
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.
 
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.  And Adam learned humility.
 
And God was pleased. 
 
And Adam was greatly improved.
 
And Dog was happy.
 
And the cat didn't care one way or the other. 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**THE BIG SQUEEZE

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was
the strongest man around that they offered a
standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all
the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to
a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more
drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight lifters,
longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing
thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a
tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender
said "okay,", grabbed a lemon, and squeezed
away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of
the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence
as the man clenched his fist around the lemon
and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the
$1000, and asked the little man, "what do you
do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight
lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Travel Humour

The following are actual conversations between clients and travel agents:

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over
all the cost info, she asked, "would it be cheaper to fly to California
and  then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started  to
explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she
interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown
is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid
one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in
Africa." Her response....click.

A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me
various  names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her
fax me  the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New
Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that
New Orleans  was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back,
she was  not even embarrassed.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did.  I asked what  was
wrong with the vacation in Orlando.  He said he was expecting an ocean-view
room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the
middle of the state.  He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on  the map
and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible to see England from
Canada?" I said, "No."  He said "but they look so close on the  map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.  When I
pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas.
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard  Dallas
was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to  save
time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her
flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I
tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois but she
could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the
plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical  description on
your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?"  I said, "No, why do
you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they
put a  tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any
connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into
it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code
for  Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination
tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which
plane  to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he  replied,
"I  was  told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes
have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, " I need to fly to pepsi-cola on one of  those
computer planes."  I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter
plane.  She said, "Yea, whatever."

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed
in  order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports,
I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many
times and never had to have one of those."  I double checked, and sure
enough, his stay required a visa.  When I told him this he said, "Look,
I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my  American
Express."

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TOP 50 OXYMORONS
Submitted by iVillager Patricia H.

50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. American history
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
1. Microsoft Works

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Y2K FIX
Submitted by iVillagers Camila Kunau,
Cheezcrisp, smoakgirls & Greg D.


To: COO
From: Y2K Support Team

Our staff has completed the 18 months of work
on time and on budget.

We  have gone through everk line of code in
everk program in everk skstem. We have
analkzed all databases, all data files, including
backups and historic archives, and modified all
data to reflect the change.

We are proud to report that we have completed
the "Y2K" date change mission, and have now
implemented all changes to all programs and all
data to reflect kour new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June,
Julk, August, September, October, November,
December

As well as:

Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak,
Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

I trust that this is satisfactork, because to be
honest, none of  this "Y to K" problem has made
ank sense to me.  But I understand it is a global
problem, and our team is glad to help in ank
wak possible.

Bk the wak, what does the kear 2000 have to do
with it? Speaking of which, what do kou think
we ought to do next kear when the two digit
kear rolls over from 99 to 00?

We'll await kour direction.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHERE HAS ALL THE LIPSTICK GONE?

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with an
unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and
would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on
their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens
of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called
all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for
the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how
difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean
one of the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and
cleaned the mirror.  Since then there have been no lip prints on the
mirror.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This was actually posted very briefly on the
McDonnell Douglas website:

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell-Douglas
military aircraft. In order to protect your new
investment, please take a few moments to fill
out the warranty registration card below.
Answering the survey questions is not required,
but the information will help us to develop new
products that best meet your needs and desires.

1.
[_] Mr.      [_] Mrs.        [_] Ms.    [_] Lt.  [_]  Gen.
[_] Comrade  [_] Classified  [_] Other
First Name: ............... Initial: .. Last Name:
............... Code Name:  ..............
Password: ........ (max 8 char)
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: .... .... ....

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

        [_] F-14 Tomcat
        [_] F-15 Eagle
        [_] F-16 Falcon
        [_] F-117A Stealth
        [_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19../../..

4. Serial Number: ..............................

5. Please check where this product was
purchased:

        [_] Received as gift/aid package
        [_] Catalog showroom
        [_] Independent arms broker
        [_] Mail order
        [_] Discount store
        [_] Government surplus
        [_] Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the
McDonnell-Douglas product you have just
purchased:

        [_] Heard loud noise, looked up
        [_] Store display
        [_] Espionage
        [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
        [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
        [_] Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most
influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas
product:

        [_] Speed / maneuverability
        [_] Price / value
        [_] Comfort / convenience
        [_] Kickback / bribe
        [_] Recommended by salesperson
        [_] McDonnell-Douglas reputation
        [_] Advanced Weapons Systems
        [_] Backroom politics
        [_] Negative experience opposing one in
combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this
product will be used:

        [_] Iraq
        [_] North America
        [_] Central / South America
        [_] Iraq
        [_] Europe
        [_] Africa
        [_] Iraq
        [_] Asia / Far East
        [_] Misc. Third World countries
        [_] Iraq
        [_] Aircraft carrier
        [_] Classified

9. How would you describe yourself or your
organization? (Check all that apply:)

        [_] Communist / Socialist
        [_] Terrorist
        [_] Crazed
        [_] Neutral
        [_] Democratic
        [_] Dictatorship
        [_] Corrupt
        [_] Primitive / Tribal

10. Your occupation:

        [_] Homemaker
        [_] Sales / marketing
        [_] Revolutionary
        [_] Clerical
        [_] Mercenary
        [_] Tyrant
        [_] Middle management
        [_] Eccentric billionaire
        [_] Defense Minister / General
        [_] Retired
        [_] Student

11. To help us understand our customers'
lifestyles, please indicate the interests and
activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
participating on a regular basis:

        [_] Golf
        [_] Boating / sailing
        [_] Running / jogging
        [_] Sabotage
        [_] Propaganda / disinformation
        [_] Destabilization / overthrow
        [_] Black market / smuggling
        [_] Collectibles / collections
        [_] Watching sports on TV
        [_] Interrogation / torture
        [_] Household pets
        [_] Crushing rebellions
        [_] Espionage / reconnaissance
        [_] Border disputes
        [_] Mutually Assured Destruction
        [_] Fashion clothing

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this
questionnaire. Your answers will be used in
market studies that will help McDonnell-
Douglas serve you better in the future - as well
as allowing you to receive mailings and special
offers from other companies , governments,
extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

As a bonus for responding to this survey, you
will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in
our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**GOING TO THE DOGS

Dog breeds that didn't make it:

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Bloodhound + Borzoi
Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier
Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a
whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research
scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial
advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't
matter anyway

Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

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**THAT'S THE TICKET 
Three engineers and three managers are going to a conference and must travel by train to get there. At the station, the three managers buy their three tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one manager. "Just watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train and the managers take their seats and watch as all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. The train departs and shortly afterward, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The managers see all this and agreed it is quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the managers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. But to their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a single ticket?" says one manager. "Just watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They board the train. The three managers cram into a restroom compartment and the three engineers cram into an another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom, walks over to the managers' stall, knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please".

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An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is nothing"
on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman!  Without her, man is nothing."

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**CLERICAL DUTIES
Submitted by iVillager Amelb

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy
trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is
very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the
boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little
fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and
gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks,
"And now what, my little man?"

The boy replies, "Now we run!"

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A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On
returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy
kittens and 2 girl kittens."  
  
"How did you know?", his mother asked. 

The three-year-old replied, "Daddy picked them up and looked
underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
  
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