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Humor and Jokes During WW II a British pilot was shot down over Germany, bailed out wounded and taken POW. The docs had to amputate his right leg. So, next day he asked the Germans to take the leg and drop it over his home base. the Germans obliged. A few days later the docs had to amputate his left leg. Again he asked them to drop it over his home base and the Germans obliged. A few days passed and the docs had to amputate his left arm. As usual he asked for it to be dropped over his home base but this time the German officer shouted: Not any more, we know what you are trying to do, you are trying to escape a piece at a time. A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs' togetherness, which included one part sodium. It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate. An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river. "What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe. "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago." "Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe. "Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall". The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first day's competition, many of the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldn't take any more and kicked them out. The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him there had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests....instead of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to be less noisy. The clerk responded, "I'm sorry, but if there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." A young lady was lost in her car in a bad snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it. Pretty soon a snow plow came by and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the snow plow got out and asked what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her that if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded, and said, "Well I'm through with the Wal-mart lot, now you can follow me over to the K-mart." Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church labeled "For The Sick" is for monetary donations only. A window salesman telephoned his rather dim customer, Mr. Bledsoe. "Mr. Bledsoe, our company replaced all your windows with triple-glazed models more than a year ago, and we still haven't received a single payment. What is the problem? Where they installed improperly or something?" "No, they are in just fine," Bledsoe replied. "Then why didn't you send us any payments?" "Hey! You promised me they would pay for themselves in 12 months." One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and before you could snap your fingers, it exploded into roaring flames and the alarm went out to the volunteer fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out intact." The fire chief ordered his men to strengthen their attack on the fire. After two hours of fighting the fire, another department was called in and the president of the chemical company offered $100,000 to the firefighters who could bring out the company's secret files. From a distance, a loud siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little fire engine raced past everyone and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off their rig and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that, for such a super-human feat, he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly firefighters. The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the exciting event on film. One of them asked, "What are you going to do with all that money? "Well," said the 70-year old fire chief, "the first thing we are going to do is fix the brakes on that truck!" In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner implode, I wanted to make a few close friends aware of the next expected mergers so you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations late in the year, and make yourself a bundle.
Perks of getting older
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws." Q. What do you call two hobos staring at each other's teeth? World Peace An Indian chief decides it's going to be a very cold winter and that the tribe should immediately begin gathering firewood so he instructs the tribe to begin right away. A day or so later, he thinks to himself that he might be wrong, so he calls the National Weather Service and asks them for the forecast. They tell him they are expecting severe storms in the following weeks. More confident in his decision, the chief orders the tribe to redouble their efforts to gather wood. A week later, he calls the weather service again since he has not yet seen snow. They repeat that they forecast very severe snowstorms in the coming week. So he tells the tribe they will need to work night and day to gather enough wood to see them through the difficult winter. Another week passes and he calls the weather service again. They repeat the same forecast, so he asks them why they are so sure there is a severe winter coming. They respond, "We are basing it on how much effort the Indians put forth in gathering firewood." A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live." "Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it. She got out of the hospital after the last operation and, while crossing the street, was killed by an ambulance speeding toward the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 Years?!" God replied, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you." The Ultimate Email Quiz For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription: "You are not getting older, You are just getting better." When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom." It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read: "YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM." Signs Found In Kitchens
Betty, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, recently accused Henry, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar. Henry stared at her for a moment, and said nothing. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night. Here is one story about people shoveling the snow for a parking space in front their house. This apparently is a problem for the Chicago police every winter. What happens is that somebody will park in a nearby parking lot, then slave away for how ever many hours it takes to shovel out a car-sized space in front of his house, naturally so he can park his car there. Then he goes back to the lot to get his car. When he returns home, he finds that the space has been taken by some other car. He is, well, upset. What most people do is write nasty notes etc. and place them on the windshield of the offending vehicle. Where the police get involved, however, is the occasional case where the individual vents his wrath in somewhat more violent means. Tires and throats have been slashed over this. One time a fellow got creative. Instead of doing the usual nasty, he got out his garden hose and watered the automobile down, real well. I mean, very, very thoroughly. The water, of course, froze solid. When the owner returned, instead of a car, he found a car-sized Popsicle. The note on the car read: "You want the space? Here, it's yours until spring! A bloke sat at the bar for over an hour, just staring at his drink. A large bar bully comes over, picks up the drink and knocks it back with one swallow. The wee man at the bar starts crying his eyes out, the minesweeper, feeling embarrassed, offers to buy him another drink, 'c'mon don't cry I was kidding.' 'It's not that', said the wee man, 'today is the worst day of my life. I slept in and missed an important meeting, so my boss fired me. Then my car was stolen, the police wouldn't do anything. I had to get a cab home, after I'd paid the cab it drove off, I realised I'd left my wallet in the cab. When I went into my house I found my dog ran away. That's when I left home and came here. I was just sitting here contemplating suicide, then you show up and drink my poison! Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times." California State Departmentof Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Yosemite and Mammoth areas. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bear unexpectedly. They also advise carrying pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity and know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
Religion One Sunday mornin' the pastor noticed that little Alex was starin' up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning pastor," replied the boy, still staring at the plaque. "Pastor Jamison, what is this?" "Well Son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. When Little Alex spoke, his voice was barely audible, "Which service? the 9:00 or the 11:00?" There was a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just could not bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the term "bathroom commode". But after writing that down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she rewrote the entire letter and referred to the "bathroom commode" merely as the BC". "Does the campground have its own BC?" is what she actually wrote. Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That "BC" business really stumped him. He showed the letter to several couples, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner finally came to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the nearest Baptist Church. He sat down and wrote the following reply: Dear Madam, I regret the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a BC is located 9 miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 50 people at one time. It is located in a beautiful pine grove and is open only on Sundays and Wednesdays. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that many people take their lunch along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. My daughter met her husband in the BC. Sometimes it is so crowded there are five people to a seat. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC. It pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely not due to a lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go and sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks. We will be sure to get a seat up front where you can be seen by everyone. Remember, we are a friendly community. Sincerely, the campground owner
Boss/Management Five cannibals got jobs with the same organization. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees". The cannibals promised. Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shake their heads no. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors, Coordinators, and Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the secretary!"
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